What is A Cuckold? Am I a Cuck?

This is a Q&A Article written by Crystal Welch, please leave your questions and comments in the comment section.

To begin this series, I’ll just state for the record I’ve lived in a cuckold marriage for 9 years. It has been the greatest joy and by far, the deepest and most intimate relationship I’ve ever had.

My intention with this new column is to simply share our direct experience in the lifestyle and not to define how anyone else is, or “should be” in the lifestyle. Each of us gets to determine what we enjoy and how we practice. So, what is a cuckold?

The basis of the word “cuckold” is found in the cuckoo, a bird which lays its eggs in other birds’ nests, forcing the unsuspecting bird to raise offspring which are not its own. In today’s toxic political parlance you also hear the term as a slander against a weak or “beta” male. NONE of that is true, in my opinion.
Let’s just get the real definition out of the way: “cuck” is short for “cuckold,” which good old Merriam-Webster defines as “a man whose wife has sex with someone else.” What that definition omits however, is that it is essentially “one sided CONSENSUAL non-monogamy.

Most people become aware of cuckoldry via porn—there is a whole subgenre in which a man watches while his wife is with another man (or multiple men). IThe problem with the public getting all of the knowledge from porn is that porn does NOT depict and actual cuck relationship but rather just the salacious sexual aspects. There is SO much more to it.

There is no “one way” for a couple to indulge in cuck fantasy or lifestyle. Generally speaking, the woman has sexual relationships with other people than her husband with his FULL knowledge and consent and usually, encouragement. That whole notion flies in the face of traditional religious tradition and expectation. I’m not at all surprised at the rise of interest in this relationship dynamic coincides with a vast exodus from organized religion (at least in America). Modern day couples are re-defining what a good relationship can look like. So, for purposes of our discussion here, cuckoldry is NOT adultery.

So, Why is Cuckoldry So Often a Slander?

Historically, Cuck couples have gotten a bad rap in the past from people who had no knowledge or understanding of the dynamic. When a monogamous person cheats, it normally causes pain and suffering. This is why some people are quick to judge cuck couples as something bad or “less than.” That is not at all true but likely why some other groups of people fail to understand the allure of the cuck relationship.
The other place you are hearing the term “cuck” in today’s world is a slander leveled against rivals, most often heard in toxic political circles. This form of slander has no place in the legitimate lifestyle choices millions of people are living in.

Yes, the word is used as an insult, one especially popular in right-wing meme land, but that doesn’t mean it is bad either. Think of how and why this became an insult in the first place: The idea that a man being humiliated–even on purpose–by a wife who has sex with someone else is objectively bad is built on outdated notions of gender and relationship dynamics. (That those outdated notions are all part of the appeal for those who partake just goes to show how complicated kinks can be.)

In an interview with CNN clinical psychologists David Ley, Ph.D. and Justin Lehmiller, Ph.D., along with sex advice columnist Dan Savage, shared the unexpected findings of a national survey they conducted.

In preparation for Lehmiller’s book, Tell Me What You Want: The Science of Sexual Desire and How It Can Help Improve Your Sex Life, Lehmiller surveyed thousands of Americans and found that 58 percent of men and about a third of women had fantasies about cuckolding. To be clear, this means they fantasize about their partner having sex with someone else, either while they watch or while they’re somewhere else.

In Reddit, a subreddit dedicated to Cuckolds and hot wives—(the term given to the women who sleep with other partners at the behest of their primary partner)—has 817,000 members. In the absence of hard research numbers, I think it is safe to say there is very widespread interest in the general public for this kinky dynamic, and growing interest all the time.

Am I a Cuck?

I cannot answer for you but if you are highly stimulated by the thought of your partner with another, you may be! One VERY important phenomena I’ve noticed over time (and after knowing personally dozens of practicing cuck couples) I started noticing something really significant.

My cuck husband and the cucks we personally know are all very smart, accomplished, successful, intense and in command of their business and personal lives. When it comes to their woman, they crave setting all that heft aside and letting their wife drive their personal and sexual lives. Here is the conclusion I’ve come to personally: the REASON so many really smart successful men go down cuckold lane is precisely because they are smart and evolved: they are a category of high functioning men who need MORE: more stimulation both mentally and emotionally. The cuckold dynamic offers this stimulation to cucks and addictive freedom to their woman: very compelling!

I think the understanding I’ve come to is that cuck couples crave connection and power play, stag/vixen couples are primarily motivated by experience and sexual variety. As such, the cuck dynamic is much more complex and varied, thus harder to categorize.

Is a Cuckoldress the same as a Hot wife?

I’d be reticent not to point out: there are NO SET RULES on how you do any of this, and these distinctions are just opinion, but widely held by many people in the lifestyle.

These two terms are regularly confused. There are distinct differences, and here are some of the basics to understand. Also, in both cases, the wife is taking other men as lovers with full knowledge and consent of husband.
For me personally, I try to avoid these tags and simply state that we are in a one-sided consensually non monogamous relationship. You may identify any way you want.

Stag/Vixen Dynamic Is more of a collaboration between husband and wife, where cuck couples the wife is generally in charge.

• The stag has a sense of PRIDE that other men find his wife attractive, but she always goes home with hubs
• Generally, does NOT include erotic humiliation.
• Wife typically does not entertain alone: most often with stag
• This is the tag most often for “swinger” wives
• Many who identify as stag/vixen do not incorporate power play or dominance
• Generally, swingers and hot wife/stag couples are motivated by sexual expression, not so much power exchange
• Another difference to note is that GENERALLY swinger couples are not seeking long term connections, and in fact, many have relationship rules limiting contact with the same person.

Cuckold Dynamic:

• The cuck dynamic is all about POWER. A consensual power exchange where “bulls” typically are dominate, sometimes over both husband and wife, sometimes just the husband.
• May indulge cuck in erotic humiliation: cuck being caged, possibly feminized, Dominated by bull and/or cuckoldress.
• Cuckoldress is often 100% in charge of who, when, where and how
• Cuckoldress may go off on her own with bull or away for a weekend or a vacation
• Cuckold dynamic is most often characterized as a power exchange dynamic where relationships & connection are integral. The big difference with stag/vixen couples is that cuckoldry is a power play vs sexual expression mainly with stag/vixen.
• MANY cuck couples, (including US) desire and seek out longer term substantial relationships with a lover. We WANT that connection and complexity.

Cuckolding is essentially a container in which lots of different exciting dynamics can happen: compersion (the act of experiencing joy at your partner’s pleasure and growth), jealousy (which isn’t necessarily a bad thing), fulfilling a fantasy, power play — the situations are endless.

The bottom line is this: cuck males are NOT weak, weak minded or to be disparaged in any way. In my opinion, cuckold males are simply a “higher life form”. Experienced lifestyle cucks are self-aware, confident, sexual, generous, and highly evolved men who are revered by their wives. We appreciate them for the loving freedom and support they offer, and the PROFOUND intimacy that we have developed and enjoy by having developed a relationship inside this dynamic.

How do you understand this lifestyle? What distinctions make it fulfilling for YOU?

About Author /

Crystal Welch is an author, speaker, and podcaster, with experience navigating the nuance of relationships in her 25-year career as a divorce financial analyst, a field where navigating relationships is crucial. Crystal is fueled by her passion for understanding the nuances of what causes friction and stress in traditional monogamy and presents viable solutions to it. She considers herself a ‘forever student,’ eager to both build on her research foundations in psychology and sociology and stay in tune with the latest cultural changes in how relationships are changing. Her hunger for knowledge and determination to turn information into action has contributed to her most recent success as an international best selling author about navigating divorce finances and re-building life after divorce. She has changed the lives of thousands of clients and provided ongoing education for women for more than 25 years. She implements successful strategies to help others find relationship success by methods she has used herself to navigate some of the most difficult relationship questions. Crystal believes mindfulness and honesty in relationships is key to success - a tenet she lives out through her interests in the active practice of polyandry and consensual non-monogamy, cuckoldry, and interracial dating. Crystal is currently working as a content marketing director and is always interested in a challenge. Reach out to Crystal and let’s connect!


  • James
    1 year ago Reply

    Lost me as soon as it “blames” right wing politics on how ANYTHING is misconstrued (right or wrong) tells you everything you need to know about the author. No matter what the subject, it’ll be ONE SIDED. He could pull all the research he wants about the subject, he’ll take what he wants out of it and put it to paper. Waste of time reading. Need info? Research, trial and error… don’t rely on others opinions. Be a leader not a follower.

    • Crystal Welch
      1 year ago Reply

      Sorry I “lost you” however I was not “blaming” anything. It was a statement of my own experience that most negative or disparaging “cuck” accusations are used in that particular demographic. And just for the record, I am female.

    • James
      1 year ago Reply

      “He” was a typo

Leave a Comment

Your email address will not be published.

Start typing and press Enter to search