What Characteristics Make A Bull “Cherished” For You?

Consensual Non-Monogamy is a rapidly growing alternative to centuries-old monogamous relationships. More people are experimenting with swinging, cuckoldry, polyamory, and other relationship alternatives. So who are the “lovers” or “bulls” invited to join a couple for sexual interaction?

My husband and I have been active in the cuckold dynamic for nine years. It has provided the most intimate, joyful, and playful relationship we have ever experienced. The first significant and ongoing task is finding the right person to engage with.

I’ve had some wonderful “bull” experiences and a few actual nightmare experiences. So let’s pull back the covers on what makes a great bull and what a cuck couple can do to have a great experience. The object is to engage in a healthy and joyful partnership, not a toxic one that can drive good couples out of the lifestyle.

Since I only speak from my direct experience, I’ll address the things that have led to good experiences and the behaviors that were very negative to inform you better, the reader.

Every cuck couple has their dynamic, their preferences, their own “rules,” and boundaries. There is no “one right way” for cuck couples to find and engage with bulls. Here are some of the observations I’ve made:

1. The best chance for a great bull experience is for all three people to know themselves well and communicate effectively. The primary goal in the first meeting is to determine if the couple, and the bull, have similar desires. Do you want a casual, “one and done” experience, or do you prefer investing the time and energy to develop a potential long-term friend? Don’t be shy. Tell the bull what you want. Give them a chance to respond thoughtfully. If you get this part right, you greatly enhance your chances of having a good experience.

The tricky problem is that some bulls will lie or misrepresent their true desires. Example: You may have communicated clearly and directly that you desire someone with the time and desire to create a connected friendship and an ongoing relationship. In my experience, VERY few bulls actually want this. More often than not, they favor quick, easy, no-effort experiences with someone’s wife. Nothing is wrong with this, as long as that is what you also desire.

I’ve found more often; that bulls lie about this for fear that the woman in question will say “no.” A cuckold couple is a perfect candidate for no strings (meaning no effort) hookup. The thinking behind this is “she has a husband to make all the relationship maintenance effort; I just want the pussy”. The problem is that many women want to see some effort, some ability, and emotional intelligence to at least create a fun experience. Some bulls are so skilled they put all their effort into “love bombing” in the early stages to convince you they will put the continued effort in. Still, you mysteriously notice that the bull never has more than an hour to drop by to have sex, and he doesn’t follow through with plans they may have made with you. If that is what you want, great. If not, this is a big red flag. Please pay close attention to what they DO, not what they SAY.

2. YOU take the lead in discussing your dynamic and what you want as a couple. Many bulls want to get to the main event without essential conversations like this. Are you submissive? Do you want the bull to be dominant? Does your husband want to suck cock? Is the bull open to this? Is he experienced with power exchange? These questions are essential to go over in detail before you engage. Do you require condoms? What kind of follow-up or aftercare would you prefer? Do you have any hard limits or boundaries? Does the bull? Taking the time for this thoughtful conversation can keep you out of uncomfortable situations.

What happens if you have clearly stated that you are NOT submissive and don’t want to be treated like a sub, and then he does it anyway? You have every right to exit the situation. This would be a case of an obtuse or selfish bull that feels entitled to take control and do as he wishes. If you had this conversation and he still pushes into it: excuse yourself and go. No man is entitled to run his plan on you unless you’ve asked him to.

3. If there is travel, hotels, or other decisions you make to be together, have open, honest conversations about how to split costs. My husband is willing to do a lot. But we choose the bulls who have enough maturity to at LEAST offer to take me out or split costs for a hotel or other expenses. My cuck is willing to do more if this common courtesy is followed. We have had situations where a bull asked for something (involving money) and just expected my cuck to pay for it. He didn’t ask and just took it for granted that the cuck was his version of a servant. It isn’t very respectful, and we would never consider this guy again. Not because the cost was prohibited, but because the common courtesy of asking if he would pick up the price or at LEAST say thank you after the fact was missing.

Remember that any form of power exchange, whether in Dom/sub context or with money, is an EARNED privilege. A cuck in a sub position owes a bull nothing. You evolve into more expressive forms when there is effort and great communication to develop. Very casual hookups don’t qualify and have not earned the right to take a Dominant position.

If you have an ongoing friendship you have fostered, everyone should have a good sense and agreement about how power or money is exchanged. The bottom line for you bulls: NEVER make assumptions. ASK. Keep asking until you are clear; if you disagree, opt out. That is always your prerogative, as it is ours. When you misrepresent or manipulate to get a different outcome, that will end the engagement and very likely prevent even a friendship after.

We look for people who understand that everybody needs to have skin in the game for the best experience for all of us in terms of time, effort, and money. When there is no investment of time, effort, or money on the part of the bull, it feels like we are being used, and that is not what we are after.

4. Be a good human. The world is short on manners, kindness, and compassion these days. I take responsibility for treating my lovers as valuable humans and want to be treated the same way. Have manners. Be a gentleman. Don’t be pushy or drive an agenda. Please don’t make assumptions about a couple but be willing to discover them and be vulnerable enough to let them find out about you. Foster your sense of humor and your ability to be curious about your lovers.

If you remember these simple guidelines, you will find great, joyful connections to other humans. Bulls, If you don’t, you may very well find yourself blacklisted. We women in the lifestyle do talk to each other. 😊

Tell me: What qualities do YOU value the most when vetting a bull?

About Author /

Crystal Welch is an author, speaker, and podcaster, with experience navigating the nuance of relationships in her 25-year career as a divorce financial analyst, a field where navigating relationships is crucial. Crystal is fueled by her passion for understanding the nuances of what causes friction and stress in traditional monogamy and presents viable solutions to it. She considers herself a ‘forever student,’ eager to both build on her research foundations in psychology and sociology and stay in tune with the latest cultural changes in how relationships are changing. Her hunger for knowledge and determination to turn information into action has contributed to her most recent success as an international best selling author about navigating divorce finances and re-building life after divorce. She has changed the lives of thousands of clients and provided ongoing education for women for more than 25 years. She implements successful strategies to help others find relationship success by methods she has used herself to navigate some of the most difficult relationship questions. Crystal believes mindfulness and honesty in relationships is key to success - a tenet she lives out through her interests in the active practice of polyandry and consensual non-monogamy, cuckoldry, and interracial dating. Crystal is currently working as a content marketing director and is always interested in a challenge. Reach out to Crystal and let’s connect!


  • Curtis
    1 year ago Reply

    Great article! I have a question. I am the male half. My wife has been seeing the same bull for over a year now. Enjoys his company and of course the amazing sex. But, the other week, her and I are sitting on the couch watching TV, he calls, they talk, at the end I hear him say “I love you”, she says it back. NEVER has this happened. To me this overstepped boundaries as those words are for us. She states not to worry about it. But now I tell her I don’t like the situation. I said he crossed the line. Those words belong to us. She states she’s going to see him anyways as they’ve been saying those words to each other in secret for months. Am I overreacting or is trouble coming for us?

    • Crystal Welch
      1 year ago Reply

      Oh that is the million dollar question. The quick answer is: whatever you and your wife agree to is the right approach. So sounds like this topic will require a LOT more conversations with her. Here is how we delt with the same issue: In the beginning, we had the same agreement. We wanted warm connections, but not a big involvement. But here is the reality: humans are complex. When you have a lover that you have great chemistry with, compatibility and some communication, that can lead to a VERY charged connection. In that scenario, it’s very difficult to just “shut off” feelings. It happened to us too. Found a fabulous guy, decided to fly to see him after communicating for months, had a mind blowing time and all 3 of us got VERY attached. The guys were best friends and the guy and I were absolutely were in love. We discussed the ramifications of this for WEEKS. At the end of the day, what we came to was this: We believe humans have the capacity to love more than one. More love is better than less love. If you believe that can possibly be true for you…then the work needs to be in negotiating your agreement. I’m clear in my relationship if something happens that my husband is completely against, we would stop. So far that does not include loving others.

      The risk in the scenario you described is a breach of agreement and possibly trust. That I would strongly advise you repair that if you can. Don’t be afraid to seek out a therapist to help you navigate this! Here is a resource of sex-positive therapists if you don’t have one! sex positive therapists

  • Ran
    1 year ago Reply

    Not overreacting! add that to ” She states she’s going to see him anyways as they’ve been saying those words to each other in secret for months.” Secret is another key word !
    There should not be any secret. They both overstepped boundaries. Personally to me it’s a deal breaker. I would move out and go no contact for a week. Then come back and negotiate. You have the power in the relationship.

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