And Sexy Lifestyle Adventures…
Hello, my name is Karamel and my husband, Doc Chocolate and I have been in the Lifestyle since late 2016. I can truly say that being in the Lifestyle has truly been a journey for me. My husband launched a Lifestyle & Swinger podcast called Bulls & Queens a few months ago on New Year’s Eve of 2021 going into this year.
The podcast is now a TOP-50 show on the Apple podcast charts and has over 40 episodes as of the time of this writing. The podcast detailed his experience in the Lifestyle as being a Bull and playing with hotwives and interacting with cuckold couples, as well as those in the Stag & Vixen dynamic. The Bulls & Queens Swinger Podcast also featured other people in the Lifestyle, to share their experiences, their laughter, their kinky adventures and their journey.
One day to my surprise, Doc asked me to come on the show and co-host with him. One question that I knew was going to be asked of me (which he did ask), was to share how we got started in the lifestyle.
I told him, “Why don’t you just write an ebook about it?” (which he wound up doing anyways!) You see, that was a typical response on my part. I have always hid behind my husband in that aspect. Doc was way more EXTROVERTED than I was in sharing his experience compared to me.
I think that I felt that my personal Lifestyle journey was not “kinky” or “wild enough” for others to even enjoy. But after sharing my sexual narrative and I was shown an overwhelming amount of support from my peers! It was at that point that I felt comfortable enough in my sexual truth within the Lifestyle.
Our Story:My husband and I have been together for 22 years and married for 18 years, which is over half of our lives. For years if asked the question, I would have said that we has a “normal sex life” for a typical married couple. Like other couples, we played the delicate role of balancing out work priorities, parenting duties and the daily demands of work.
Looking back, I never knew I was missing anything but I was always fantasizing about sexual encounters with different people or trying erotic things. Yes, I was “that woman”
Looking back, I never knew I was missing anything but I was always fantasizing about sexual encounters with different people or trying erotic things. Yes, I was “that woman” if I read dirty erotica. I have always loved erotica books just to get lost in. The Start of Our Lifestyle Journey: My husband and I watched a film that centered around couple swapping and afterwards, we had a conversation in which I stated that I had fantasized about being with someone different.
To make a long story short, after a few discussions to bring clarity to my thoughts we made the mutual decision to explore it further. One thing that made it easy was living in a city like Las Vegas, which embraces sexual exploration and discretion. Needless to say, us jumping into the Lifestyle was a total culture shock. We went to different parties and events centered around Lifestyle play.
I had never met people who were so free with their bodies and sexual expression around it.
Most of the time during those events, I just watched and did not participate in any of the sexual festivities, which as you can imagine took a huge hit to my relationship.
I was so comfortable with my husband playing with other people, but with me…. oh hell no!
I was so caught up in my own judgments that focusing on my own pleasure was not an option. Not realizing my unwillingness to play was causing problems in my marriage, I would tell myself, “as long as I am going and being supportive of his sexual engagement that should be enough right?” How wrong I was! So in response, my husband arranged for me to have a coach to help me in the process. He vetted someone that would play with me and whom he knew that I would be attracted to so that I could overcome this hurdle. It actually worked, I got to play with someone… and it was great! The only problem that came out of that, was that I discovered that I could only play separately. Talk about one extreme to another!
Fast forward some months and after countless discussions between the two of us and me flaking out on couples, we finally had to take a break from the lifestyle. When we jumped back into the Lifestyle after some time, I came to rely on alcohol and marijuana to pull me out of my head and to ease the anxiety. Well, that did not work either, I finally had to do some self-work and find the culprit to this resistance. I realized this avoidance to focus on my own “pleasure” was deeply rooted in the negative judgments that surrounded me if I gave in to my own pleasure. The one lesson that the Lifestyle has taught me is that your level of intimacy and security with yourself will be exposed. It took a lot of self-reflective work for me to let go of limitations that kept me safe in my mind. As a woman, wife, and mother, I was taught so many rules & expectations I felt I had to follow, which in turn created barriers of limitations for me to express myself sexually without fear or shame.
I had to learn that expectations and expressions must balance and complement each other, if not the struggle will exist. Trying to be a “lady in the light” and “ freak in the dark” doesn’t always work. My husband loves it, however I needed to figure it out for myself. The thoughts of “What if my kid finds out? What if somebody recognizes me? Am I morally wrong for doing this?” all crossed my mind.I needed balance. I found that normalizing “how” I live my life and bringing parts of my sexual expression together into my daily life needed to be merged.
So I started reading a lot about sexual liberation. Normally these books would be in a private area in my home and office, but now they’re on a bookshelf where others can see them.
I noticed that the couples who actually had healthy freedom in their lifestyle merged their alternate life by either working in a sexual industry, changing belief systems that fit who they are or becoming more expressive in other variations of their lives etc. So I started reading a lot about sexual liberation. Normally these books would be in a private area in my home and office, but now they’re on a bookshelf where others can see them. I started dressing more provocatively and taking pictures of myself, to embrace the beauty of this expression. Also talking about it on the podcast has helped me tremendously. Verbally talking about it in a healthy-based format and carrying a dialogue that promotes awareness, understanding, and self-improvement was vital for me!
Six years ago, I never could have imagined embracing and appreciating my sexual expression outside of the traditional norm. The lifestyle can be fun, exciting, and increase intimacy with yourself & your partner so it can work. As I continue to embark on this journey, I now understand it takes openness, courage, and self-validation for me to be at peace with my sexual expression. I am excited about who I am becoming and what the future holds!
Vanessa&Bas9 months ago
Great story Karamel! Thank you for being so open about this topic. Very helpful for all the ladies and couples with questions and doubts in this lifestyle.
Dee7 months ago
I listened to you talk about this article on the B&Q podcast and was so happy to find it available to read online. I am new to the lifestyle and struggling with some of the same things you went through. Thank you for sharing your story, it is so helpful! And you are stunning.