Defining A Domme And The Treatment Of A Sub

First thing’s first….what does it mean to be a domme? The typical thing that comes to mind is a woman wearing lots of black leather and cracking a whip? That’s definitely not me. What I would say is that I’m a domme because I am a very Type A person and my sexuality manifests in controlling other people’s bodies for the sake of my pleasure and theirs. And luckily for me, many, many people want to be controlled. 

I am not a “classically trained” domme. I don’t even know exactly what such training would entail. But as someone who has deep respect for anyone who practices a craft, who trains to be good at it, I would never have anything negative to say about other dommes, lifestyle or professional, who are using their skills to bring joy.

I am, in every interaction, intending to bring joy. Don’t get me wrong — my first objective is to feel good….I am selfish about my own pleasure. If I show up to play, it is for my physical satisfaction first and foremost. But I am extraordinarily lucky in that my pleasure is the objective of my partners too. Pleasing me, making me feel good, making me happy, is something they deeply want and value. So it is something that can bring joy in a very natural, not contrived way.

Genuineness and authenticity are critically important to me as a domme and also as a human being. I bring my authentic self to everything I do, and I know that people can feel it. In my career, I am client facing, and I must build authentic connections so that people feel they can trust what I say, and ultimately can trust me with their business. I also value authenticity in my roles as a wife (to my partner of nearly 25 years, who knows me absolutely and completely, knows all of me), as a mother (where I lean hard into honesty, raising my kids to know what is true in the world, at their level of comprehension), and as a daughter, sister and friend. I am the oldest, and for many years was the only child, and my authentic self with my family and close friends is as the caretaker, the responsible one, the problem solver, the one who can be relied on, the one others can trust and lean on for strength….and I relish that, because it is genuine to who I am.

As a domme, I bring this same authentic self to (casual) sexual play. Partners often comment on the atmosphere of trust and safety that I naturally create. I think this comes from the fact that I am not playing a role, adopting a persona, putting on a costume. I do not need special props (though of course toys are fun!) or clothing or rules….in the end, all I usually need is my intellect, my creativity, my voice, my hands, my body, my presence, my power, my intensity, to make someone feel the way they are hoping to feel.

Things they are often ashamed they want. Looking to be “pushed” or “forced” into experiencing things they may desire but also fear.

To me, domination is a serious responsibility. Someone comes to me vulnerable, giving me their trust. I am responsible for not doing harm (that is a credo for me). They come looking for physical pain, for verbal humiliation. Looking to live out fantasies that are “taboo”, things they would be ashamed to tell virtually anyone in their lives. Things they are often ashamed they want. Looking to be “pushed” or “forced” into experiencing things they may desire but also fear. I am responsible for not damaging them in their vulnerability, for making them feel accepted, for helping them to find the pleasure and joy in their shame. I am conscious of making people feel wanted and cared for, even in the most casual of interactions….because everyone is human, everyone craves that sort of acceptance and safety.

I often find that partners shake, especially when meeting me to play for the first time. They are big grown men, but they are naked and on their knees and exposed. Their bodies are vibrating with the intensity of their desire but also their fear and vulnerability. I always put my firm and steady hands on them to try to calm that energy, I want them to know they can “put themselves in my hands”, that I will take care of them, that I will do what I can to ensure that they walk away happier than they arrived. I think that is the moment that defines what I’m about as a domme.I am not coming from a mean and angry place. If people want something harsher, I can try to provide it, some extra pain, some extra words, but it isn’t authentically me to be truly mean. And some people crave that, so I can’t be the right domme for everyone. I can humiliate and degrade but I’m not brutal, because in the end I do care about the human being underneath. I’m sensual, I’m clever and fun, I’m across the spectrum of strict, firm and gentle. I’m a mommy in many ways. I have a very strong hand, but I have it in a velvet glove.

There will be many dommes out there who are better than I am at using various tools and implements, as they’ve had training in those techniques. And at digging more deeply into the psychology of submission. And at creating more committed, intense, long-term, emotional experiences. I am never going to do any of that….I’m not a pro, I don’t have the time, and all my connections are light, friendly and casual. 

But my style surely does work for some, even for many, and so I am happy to have the opportunity to connect with people who can bring me pleasure, and to whom I can offer a measure of happiness in return. 

This brings me to the important question of how I, as a domme, treat submissive partners. 

I had a lovely message some time ago from someone who follows my FetLife profile from the other side of the globe, who said: “So glad I found your profile here. You are really unique. I read through your writings yesterday and it really helped me understand you more and inspired me to go through your photos and videos again. I must say that in addition to authenticity, which is something you obviously take very seriously, there is another virtue that you seem to embody: generosity. I love how your attitude is that someone should be happier than they were before playing with you. The attitude that sex, even ‘casual sex’ should be intimate and joyful is so affirming. Your embrace of kink is, I think, not just a feature of a healthy sexual imagination. The desire to embrace taboo is a reflection of an expansive and generous human spirit. Bless you!”

This nice note made me think a lot about how to articulate my domination style, and the way I treat people in kink play. I guess the summary point is that I don’t treat people like dirt, which is the way many dommes unfortunately seem to default.

I recognize that there is another side to this, that there are people who want to be treated like dirt. Cursed at, berated, dehumanized, abused, roughed up, taken advantage of, including physically and financially. Maybe? If that is genuinely what someone wants, who am I to judge? Or maybe they’re just desperate for the experience of submission, such that they accept this treatment as the best of what is available to them? I don’t know, honestly. I am perhaps not well versed enough in certain kinks, like findom and service and really harsh treatment. Certainly it seems like some folks genuinely desire to be “pay pigs”, or folks who desire to be “wrecked” or “broken” or “punished” in a really extreme, mean way. And that’s fine….I’m not right for them, and I hope they do find what they need.I make people comfortable. I hear that over and over again, both from complete newbies and very experienced kinksters. They feel comfortable with me very quickly, and therefore comfortable exploring their kinks with me. That’s what I want, and to that end I don’t ever treat anyone badly. Unless of course they ask me to humiliate or demean them in some specific way we agree on, that we both enjoy. To me, there is literally no need to treat a sub like dirt…every person has value. I love the human part of this, seeing who someone is and what makes them tick. Hearing their story, how they came to kink and to their specific fetishes. And I am always grateful to any person who comes and offers their body to me…it’s a gift. I try to treat them with kindness and respect and acceptance…to compliment them where I can, to make them feel good about themselves. And that’s alongside humiliation….for example, I can tease someone about their age, their looks, their body type, their small cock, and at the same time say something kind about the oral service they are providing to me, if they are doing a good job and giving me pleasure. This way they can both be degraded about the things they are already insecure about, but still feel good about the things they, as submissives, believe they have to offer a woman like me. I’ll often say, “it’s a shame that you look like this, have that tiny dick, etc., but it certainly makes sense that you’ve become a sub, and gotten really good at providing oral service, so that you can actually touch someone who looks like me, and do something of value to me. Well done.”

To be clear, I am very meticulous and creative about humiliation, verbal and physical, and about pain if someone desires it. But that is not the same as treating someone like shit or not valuing them as a person. That’s fulfilling a fantasy…..and I thrive on fantasy fulfillment. I’m a fantasy facilitator….that’s my primary kink! I love to see the human being in front of me, with their insecurities and their desires, and to give them what they need in a memorable way. This has meant that even somewhat extreme and taboo things (like toilet play including hardsports, or race play, etc.) are things that I could consider….provided that I like the person and they have explained to me why it’s something they crave and I want to help them experience their fantasy. It may be, as my follower suggests, that there is generosity there. My pleasure and benefit always come first; I am indeed selfish, greedy and vain. But if, in the context of that, I can also bring someone else joy, then why wouldn’t I? Plus I crave the power that comes with giving someone something memorable, and then living rent-free in their head forever!

And by the way, this doesn’t just go for subs, it also goes for all of my handsome, sexy, hung bulls. And for the beautiful girls and wonderful cuck couples that my husband and I play with. I make a point of treating all playmates as special to me — because they are. They are showing up to make me feel good, to make me happy, to participate in a scene that I’ve thought up. I tell them explicitly what I like about them, their bodies, their skills. Why I enjoy them, how good they make me feel, why I’m attracted to them. I want to see their fantasies fulfilled too, to see them turned on and enjoying a scene. To show off my prodigious sexual skills (haha!) to their benefit, so they too will remember our play fondly. Everyone likes to feel desired and appreciated (I certainly do!) so if I’ve chosen someone, I want to treat them well and have them know that I value what they’re doing for me. I think it is entirely possible for this attitude to co-exist with very authentic domination. In fact I know it, because there is never really a time in any scene when I am not in charge, when everything is not happening at my direction and for my pleasure, when people do not feel that they are there as my piece of meat or my toy or my slave (as the case may be!). But, at the same time, I find that I have never had to resort to treating someone badly in order to achieve this desired effect.